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RIP Dad [16 Feb 2007|08:56pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Tod Anthony Hall passed away Tuesday, February 13th at 2:00 AM from an accidental drug overdose. He was living in my uncle's garage until he could get back on his feet. The previous night he had gone and purchased a Jetta, cashed some insurance checks he had recieved from crashing his truck, got a newspaper to look at job listings, and purchased a carton of cigarettes. He was discovered around 4:00 AM by my uncle Mark, who was on his way to work. He saw him laying on the couch and said, "Tod, it's freezing out here! Turn on your heater or put on a blanket!" When Mark reached to touch him, he noticed he was completely cold and already the effefcts of rigor had set in. Immediately he called 911. He died at the age of 40.

So I've been responsible for everything pertaining to my father's belongings, his body, his credit, basically everything he ever owned. This is probably the worst thing I've ever had to go through before. I'm just so stressed and tired and worn out. Today I've felt like collapsing and just balling up alone. I viewed his body yesterday and signed all of the papers because I'm the only one who has the legal rights to him. He'll be cremated and ready next week sometime. It all just makes me sick. But I'm glad that I was able to see him one last time. He looked very peaceful and happy for the first time in years. Truely at peace. The pain is over now.

To make matters worse, my mom doesn't want anything to do with me. She said he died a long time ago for her so she's grieved already. Seeing me just makes her sad and gives her anxiety. I'm sorry, I'm the one who's responsible for everything, has to go to the funeral home to decide what happens to my father's body, see him, get his stuff from Mark's house, be reminded of everything
I'm losing, have to pick up his ashes, plan a funeral, and you have anxiety? Seriously, grow up. The DAY he died, she's in her room talking to her fuck buddy Frank and I go, "Who are you talking to?" "Frank" and I just lost it. I was screaming and yelling and crying and saying "THIS IS THE DAY THAT MY DAD DIED AND THIS IS WHAT RESPECT YOU GIVE HIM!?" and she has the GAUL to get in my face and scream at me, kick me in the stomach to get out of her way, get all of her friends and family members to come to me and tell me to apologize to her for being rude to her when I didn't do a damn thing wrong, and now she's telling me she doesn't want to see me because she gets anxiety? Then the DAY I view my dad, she turns her phone off. I'm a wreck and she's having Sheryl lie to me so I can't get a hold of her, and guess where she is? With Frank. Well you know what? I'm literally dying inside. I feel so bad and I'm so sad I just don't even know what to do to stop the sadness. And she's out on a Valentines day date. I don't even get the luxury of escaping to feel happy for one night, on top of all of the things I'm responsible for now.

I'm really pissed off. I have so many more people who care about me, so I don't even really care. She'll feel bad later when she doesn't understand why I'm not close to her anymore. When she sees that her daughter wont confide her feelings to her anymore, share intimate details of her life, or go to her for help. I'm so done. My dad passes away and she's so self absorbed that she can't even be there for her only child.

I have my dad's mizpah necklace charms. You're supposed to have one half for each couple, but my mom's a bitch and gave it back to him so I have both pieces. Cody thought of a good idea of putting one half into his urn and for me to wear the other half. I've been wearing both pieces just to feel close to him and his wedding band on my thumb. He had pretty small fingers like me.

If anyone wants to attend the service, it'll be in the next couple weeks. It's going to be very small and in a church recreation room, so if you feel uncomfortable and don't want to go, it's okay. But I'll make a post on here and on myspace just to get the word out. I have to make an obituary and figure out the service, too. Not to mention what to do with his things. I'm not old enough to emotionally disgest all of this. I've been forced to grow up all of my life and this is just the icing on the cake.

Next weekend, Cody and I are getting away. I don't know where, but we are.

4 took a chance || take a bow

Alright then. [28 Dec 2006|01:45am]
[ mood | grateful ]

I have to update, even though I know nobody uses lj anymore. Who knows, maybe somebody will read this.

This year has probably been one of the most influential times of my life. I've dealt with pretty much every obstical one could in a lifetime. Death, divorce, sickness, anger, love, hate, a number of new jobs, new friends, old friends, learning things about people you thought you knew, moving past, well, the past, and many new opportunities. I don't know. Maybe it's because it's the end of the year and I'm reflecting on what I've accomplished, and you know what? I've accomplished a lot.

Christmas was wonderful, by the way. I got more than I wanted. I think the glamour of getting frivilous gifts has kind of passed for me. I think it's because I know how much things cost when they come out of your own pocket now and it makes my stomach knot up when I think about getting things, especially this laptop my mom got me, which was $1700 dollars. I seriously felt so sweaty and hot when I got it because I just felt so... overwhelmed and partly guilty. I didn't ask for it, but it's for school next year. Which was a really good idea, I just hate the idea of my mom spending that kind of money on me for Christmas. I just know our money situation right now so it makes me nervous. Otherwise, I got a lot of really great stuff. I am especially grateful for my gift cards, which I spent immediately online because shopping in stores is just going to be hell for the next month or so. So excited! :)!

Mine and Cody's 2 year anniversary is on the 17th of January :) 20 days to go! We've been through so much together, it just blows me away. And you know what's best about it? I think we're a better couple now than we were a year ago. We understand what each other needs a lot more, what the other is thinking, feeling, wanting. We just get each other. In a really cheesy way, he completes me. That's all there is to it, really. We can sit and have serious conversations then immediately after be goofy together. It's just awesome to be yourself around someone for so long and they aren't completely put off by you. We have our moments, everybody does. But when it comes down to it, we're just there for each other and there isn't anything we can't do together.

Speaking of Cody, last night we had the most amazing night together. He came over after work and we played video games (he played, I watched cuz I suck at racing games) and watched about 4 hours of band of brothers. We went to bed around 4, all cuddled up together in my bed, wrapped in each other's arms just like it should be. I sleep so much better when he's with me. It's weird. Most of the time when I have to share a bed with someone, I can't sleep and I can't stop moving, but when he's with me I'm so relaxed and I feel so safe. Agghhhh I want him here right now! :(! He'll be at his friend Chris' condo next week to spend some time with him, so I need to get my cuddling in while I can. Lol. I'm gunna miss not having these nights when I have to go back to work next week :( Oh well. I have the rest of my life to hog cuddling with him. I can't help it. He's minemineminemine and nobody else's and that's all I ever want :)

My dad's in the hospital. It's a really long story, but to sum it up, he was at this lady's house because he met her in the psych ward and she asked him to come take care of her. Two mentally ill people living together and one being responsible for the other...? What a wonderful idea! Needless to say, he got a hold of some meds and overdosed and passed out at her house, laid there aspirating on his own vomit until the lady noticed, called my uncle instead of 911, called 911 eventually, and he's in the hospital for pneumonia and he's just like, "I have pneumonia :(" not, "I overdosed and aspirated now I have pneumonia." He's acting like it was an unprovoked thing, like you just GET pneumonia. It's not fucking pink eye, it's FLUID IN YOUR LUNGS FROM INHALING YOUR OWN BILE. Ugh, I'm just frusterated with him.

Our house should HOPEFULLY sell sometime soon. We've spent about $3500 dollars fixing it up over the holidays, so hopefully someone will come and want it. Lol.

Wow, I really missed this thing. Maybe I'll start writing in this just for me.

BTW, the p key on my lapto doesnt work very well and it's issing me off. Agh, see? I'm calling Dell tomorrow! Wait, I think I fixed it.

ppppppppppppoooppppooppp. Yep, fixed. :) good ole' pushing it feverishly until it decides to work again.

7 took a chance || take a bow

[05 Jul 2004|01:13am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

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Comment to be added.

97 took a chance || take a bow

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